You make a good point, Sarah, about women who struggle to have the desire to be mothers. I suppose it comes down to whether or not you believe it is what's right for you. That kind of faith can change desire, regardless of "feelings," or at least lead us to pray for the desire we wish we had. Those prayers are answered- this I know.
Don't be shocked, but I had to do something like that when it came to marriage. I knew I would get married someday, and I knew it was ultimately what was right for me and what I wanted, but I lacked the desire to be married sooner than later. Add to that the fear of making such a commitment, and I had a bit of a problem! I can't even get started on my struggles there or I'll be here all day, but a struggle it was. And through lots and lots of prayer and a hefty load of faith, hope and charity, I overcame!
That struggle changed me- in a good way. And led me to more happiness than I could ever imagine. But I had to make a choice.
I am naturally a very obedient person. I always have been. I have never had a problem following rules and directions. I also naturally have a fair amount of intelligence. Combine these two natural qualities of mine and it makes for a pretty good student. I always did well in school. It was just who I am, naturally. I never had to make a choice about it. I worked hard, but I never had to push myself very hard. I don't want to diminish what I did accomplish- I loved studying and learning and did all that was required of me. But when I graduated from college, I had the nagging feeling that through all of it, I had never realized my potential academically or educationally. As much as I enjoyed school, there was no sense of triumph for me. No marked achievement inside or out (not yet, anyway). And I certainly can't say I changed anyone else for the better. I was simply an older version of who I am naturally.
I believe this is your point, Sally. And an interesting one in relation to motherhood.
In contrast, my mission experience was not quite so natural. I never wanted to serve a mission growing up, but when I made the choice to serve, I was on fire. Desire was not a problem. However, despite my strong desire, being a missionary was initially uncomfortable for me. The MTC made me claustrophobic. Tracting put my stomach in knots. My first two months in the field, I did not look forward to the start of each new day. It was HARD. I wanted to love it, but it was out of my comfort zone. It came to the point where I had to make a choice. I knew I was in the right place, doing the right thing- but something had to change inside. I had to choose to stop focusing on what was hard and uncomfortable and awkward- I had to choose to reel my mind back into my heart and turn them both over completely. I had to choose to stop overrating all my needs and feelings. I had to choose to get out of my own way and give myself up.
And I did. I dove in and I never looked back. I still remember the day I realized a change had come inside me. We were driving home from an appointment- I was consumed with thoughts of the people we were serving and it hit me how perfectly joyful I felt. All of a sudden 18 months was not long enough. There were plenty of hard days to come, but I was devoted heart, mind and soul. My mission changed me. I hope it changed others. I found out who I am and what I am capable of through the love of God. But I had to lose myself in order to find myself.
It's the same with motherhood. For me.
5 comments:
That is so beautiful. Thank-you for writing it! I think I'll come back to it if I'm ever having a less-than-enjoyable mothering day to remind myself about why that may be.
Can this deep woman really be my friend? That was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. I feel like I'm in a little bit of a "mothering rut" right now. You just inspired me!
Can't wait to see you - you're still coming, aren't you?
i love it when you can tap into the power of agency to change what you're doing into a rewarding experience. thank you for giving my earlier comment some thought. you really helped me see things more clearly.
Wow, lots to think about. This was good.
Did you take all the beautiful fall pictures? I wish I had so many talents! :)
Your beautiful pictures almost made me not hate fall (which I also hate merely because it leads to winter) until I remembered that I live in the desert and fall here only makes it more brown and blah than it already is.
I didn't recognize my own point until you pointed it out at the end and then I thought, "Oh, um...yeah! That succinct and well articulated thought was my point exactly!"
Hey, remember the time when you kept buying cereal full of bugs? I bet your kids would think you were an awesome mom if you did that again.
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