From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The eye is a region of mostly calm weather found at the center of strong tropical cyclones. It is surrounded by the eyewall, a ring of towering thunderstorms where the second most severe weather of a cyclone occurs. The cyclone's lowest barometric pressure occurs in the eye, and can be as much as 15% lower than the atmospheric pressure outside the storm.
If you ask Creighton for his version of the story, it would probably go something like this:
Once upon a time I met a girl.
I really liked her.
I thought she liked me.
I guess I was wrong.
Darn.
There might be a few more details, but that's the gist of it.
He left for California and I dwelt in the land of nothingness. No Pain, No Joy. No Fear, No love. No Pressure. But not just no pressure- less than no pressure....like the eye of a storm. Too calm. Deceptively clear. I imagined myself going on in nothingness indefinitely. It was tempting. The numbness was dulling, even lulling to me after so many years of pain and emotional exhaustion. The nothingness enticed me with its promise of security in predictability. I could see myself 6 months-- maybe a year down the road, running in to Creighton somewhere, still feeling...nothing. We would be indifferent acquaintances on divided paths. It was such a safe place to be. I knew that in this numb state, I could certainly go on without him-- without anyone, really. Bobbing on my own personal raft in the dead calm of life.
Or could I, really? The question only surfaced after I'd spent more than a month in that emotional void.
If I have one driving force inside of me it is the desire to live life abundantly. To suck the marrow right out of it. I'm not, and have never been, interested in coasting along a well-oiled track to my grave. I don't want to do what everyone else is doing or do it the way it's always been done--unless it presents me with the greatest possible odds for superlatives. I want to know and experience the very best that life has to offer- the very best that God intends- in every realm.
Numbness, I learned, was the antithesis of abundance. To remain in that state would be blasphemous, and an insult to my own creation. I could not continue on that path.
In all my nothingness, there was one something: I could think logically. And logically, if I was not going to continue in the void, I had to make a choice-- a choice that, despite two engagements, had not yet been made deep within myself. I had to choose to marry Creighton without being "in love," or to let him go for good.
Falling in love didn't seem likely for me. I felt so handicapped- irreparably damaged from the first love story. Back when I met the first boy, I worried that this would happen to me- that I would be ruined for anyone else if it didn't work out. I feared I would never love another. But I hoped and trusted that God would somehow make it possible. It had been six years. I knew it happened for other people, but despite years of mustered faith and desperate prayers, it hadn't happened for me. I just didn't know how it would or could be done for me anymore.
I was not naive about marriage. I never imagined it would be a blissful ride- which was precisely why I fretted so much about making a good decision. I knew life would be a roller coaster ride and I was determined to find someone tough enough for the journey who would hold on tight with me and never let go. I figured that falling in love was the best way to begin, so that you had something to draw from when times were rough.
What do you do if you don't have that to fall back on?
That was the big BIG question I had to ponder. Would my marriage-- would life- be less than the very best if I don't start out in love??
I couldn't answer that. I had no idea. The best I could do was consider all of the arranged marriages throughout the world since the beginning of time- or to think of Fiddler on the Roof and "Do I love him?...." Oy vey.
My complete absence of experience on that point left a pit in my stomach. I would never, could never, really know unless I tried it. Did I have the guts for it? It would have to be an absolute leap of faith. Part of me was mad that my long and painful search had come to this. "All of my sorrow and loss for this?! To marry someone I'm not in love with?!!" I was so sad that I had to ask myself these questions.
God was not mute during this time. From my second engagement through these months, he spoke to me regularly through scriptures, always encouraging me to move forward in faith- to let go of doubt and fear and judgement. I was particularly struck by these verses, which I opened to after one heartfelt prayer, and again and again later on:
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.
39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
41 But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.
43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
I practically had these verses memorized from a lifetime of study in The Book of Mormon, but I had never thought to apply it to marriage, or relationships in general. As far as I could tell, I had made it up to verse 39 with Creighton, and was standing on the edge of a mighty precipice which might, or might not lead to verses 42 and 43. But those verses were exactly what I wanted! The superlatives of all superlatives!!! It seemed that even God was nudging me to jump.
But it wasn't just the scriptures. He had spoken to me in other ways and had impressed thoughts in my mind over the past year. The overriding message was of charity- unconditional love. God seemed to be coaxing me forward- beckoning me to come and learn something wonderful.
What is most interesting about these verses when applied to pure love, is that, unlike "falling in love," it involves a deliberate choice. And not just the choice to plant the seed, but even the choice to desire to plant the seed. He stretches the boundaries as far as he can to invite us into the opportunity. That's what this all started to feel like: an opportunity extended to me to exercise the agency I so vehemently defended in one of the greatest ways possible. I had fought fiercely to be able to choose who I married and who I loved. He was quite literally presenting me with this opportunity- to realize the gift and power of free will when it comes to experiencing the greatest love imaginable.
This is what came to my mind as soon as I chose to turn away from nothingness and began paddling my way out of the deadly calm. My thoughts carried me closer and closer- back to the wall of wind and waves. I stopped paddling for a moment in nervous anticipation...
Me and my roommate and rock, Danielle. Donner's Pass, November1999.
While in the Land of Nothingness...
6 comments:
That's a very interesting concept. That instead of falling into love like you accidentally tripped, you step deliberately into it.
Maybe it's a possibility that even if you marry because you tripped and splatted yourself into the puddle of love, at some point you may find you've climbed back out of the puddle, knowing you won't trip again and the only way back in is to make the choice. Or walk away and hope your clothes dry.
LOL. I love the analogy. We'd have to ask people with a different story if that's true.
I wouldn't say I "fell" in love. Once I received confirmation from Heavenly Father that Karl was a good man and the reason I was in Las Vegas, I knew it was okay to move forward with the relationship. I haven't looked back since. He is who I chose and God said it was right. He was always my choice....I had complete control. I love that I didn't feel helpless about loving him. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Your story sounds perfect, Karla. I like to think I would have done it that way had I not been such a wounded soul. But I was probably too darn stubborn for simple and beautiful, regardless.
I do think many people fall in love and truly love at the same time, or grow into perfect love without having to deliberatley choose to, like I did. Thank Heavens God makes allowances for people like me.
I also think Karla's experience sounds exactly right and hope for something like that for my children when the time is right.
If only I could write like you.. express myself the way that you do! Sometimes I wake from dreams and realize that for a fleeting moment, I can remember my dream and even my detailed and increased vocabulary in that dream. I know it's in there, the ability to speak and communicate so articulately, yet when "awake" (but not really, in a haze most often), I can't conjure up the right words or thoughts to clearly express myself! So frustrating. You have a beautiful gift, Tricia! Thank you so much for sharing it!
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